Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.
He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."
Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Helen looked again. "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.
Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replied: "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat."
A guy wearing an Army football jersey walks into a bar, carrying a cat. The cat is also dressed in a little Army jersey.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Army- Navy game here? My cable is out, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon Army manages to kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar, meows loudly, runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she said. "Get your own fcuking blanket."
